hate hate hate hate hate




hate is an emotion. jealousy is an emotion. love is an emotion. they coexist  




over reliant on some one. So now that you are  away having fun.I'm stuck by myself feeling lonesome. even I find myself boring. i realise that you must be able to tell stories in order to keep people entertained so that they would be keen to meet up with you too hang out. I've lost that sort of communication.  
I realise that I usually run out of topics to talk to others.1) have to  iincrease my general knowledge so that I can join in any conversation 2) learn to ask questions about about peopl.  to show that I'm interested to get to know them




The moment he found someone else to keep his interest, he stopped contacting me. dating all 3 gals he got to know.. he must really be busy... where are my guys? sighs...







i hate my life




why does everything reminds me of you.
somehow this feels familiar.
feels the same as when P broke my heart.




hate you hate you hate you... must hate you...




he doesn't care about me anymore




must keep.my distance. must not give in.Insomnia sucks.. I feel hungry now  must keep.
 must keep.




 probably nobody reads this blog anymore. which is good. coz I need an outlet. I've somehow managed to not have any more friend whom I can accept/trust.. who will not judge me for the options I choose.  Yes I have many friends but I feel I can never be too honest with them.  met a guy that tries to make me a better person.. started out wrongly, told myself that I would nv fall for him.. I ended up still falling for him. was it coz he was there and was therefore a convenient choice? what do I like about him? his knowledge, his confidence, his sweetness (when he isn't trying to push me away). it seems that only I've after I've started to fall for him, that I realise that he did not find me mentally stimulating. since then, it seems like a constant battle to gain his affections that way. trying to articulate better, trying to read up more to gain knowledge.  I appreciate the time he was there for me when I was really really down. because of that job, my already crippled self confidence started spiraling even further down hill. I once thought that he had the patient to help me get through this, has started showing signs of frustration. finding evey single excuse to push me away.. it hurts when he pushes me away. really makes me feel that nobody is able to accept me. hence the sleepless nights and the start of blogging here again.2012. the fail of my career.changed me. I want to be better but I dunno how. I can't find any motivation. I keep falling back.i try to remind myself that the things I do/should learn isn't too prove to anyone.it should only be proved to me and only me. it is so hard. the thought of seeing a psychiatrist has popped into my head so many times. but I'm afraid of the cost and quite frankly, I wonder if they would ever help. change has to come from within me.






Feeling lonely in sg. How could this be? 90% of my friends are here. Y do I feel that way. It seems I can't find someone to call when I wanna just don't want to be alone. Coz not everybody would be there for me when I nEed. They may say 'I'm here, just that u didn't call'

But I want a friend who I know is there for me without having to spell it out, just looking at my face would tell u if I'm happy or sad. Or somebody whom I don't have to worry if I'm troubling u to just vent my frustrations on..


But I'm no longer the 1st person you would think of when in need. When that happens, it telling me u no longer have me as an impt friend. Y shd I trouble u with my worries then? I feel I've lost you, not to somebody else but to time and my jealousy of you. I used to think how lucky I'm to be staying so near to you. But now, it seems like we are worlds apart.

I have to learn to let go of that jealousy and insecurity 1st b4 I would be able to reach back out to u. But, would it be enuff? Have I already lost u?




went to a sake bar last nite.. 1st time got picked up by an ABC Jap.. not too bad.. quite cute...

but he intro himself with a wife and 2 kids! -.-".....................